What is an approval schema? From hidden symptoms to sustainable treatment

Are you always looking for the approval of others? Know the approval schema

People who are trapped in the approval-seeking schema usually have a strong thirst to be seen, praised, and approved by others. It is important for them to be in the center of attention and the admiring glance of others makes them feel powerful and valuable. Although these positive feedbacks can temporarily give a person a good feeling, but when this need appears in an extreme form and the person is willing to forget himself or deviate from his original path in order to gain the opinion of others, it indicates the existence of an unhealthy psychological pattern. If you want to know what are the signs of confirmation bias and how to treat it, don't miss the rest of this article.

What is schema?

Schemas are the basic beliefs that a person has about himself and the world and are usually rooted in early life experiences. If these schemas are activated, they cause intense emotions and maladaptive behaviors. (Young, Jeffrey, Klosko, Janet and Vaishar, Marie. (2019). Schema therapy: a guide to the treatment of personality disorders. Translated by Hassan Hamidpour and Mehdi Karimi. Arjamand Publications.)

What is the approval schema?

An approval-seeking (or acceptance-seeking) schema is one of the maladaptive mental patterns in which a person believes that in order to be valuable, he must be approved, admired or noticed by others.

In the approval-seeking schema, the individual ignores his or her own needs, feelings, and desires and instead aligns himself with the expectations of others in order to experience social or emotional acceptance. This pattern is usually formed from childhood and as a result of experiences such as constant criticism, lack of affection or strong dependence on parents, and if not treated, it can lead to feelings of emptiness, anxiety, low self-esteem and deep dissatisfaction with oneself.

Signs of approval seeking schema

People who are caught in the approval schema show signs in different situations that indicate their strong dependence on the opinion of others. In the following, you will read a set of these signs:

• Their mind is constantly occupied with how others judge them.
• They prefer to make decisions according to the wishes of those around them so as not to be criticized.
• They often avoid attending gatherings, because they get anxious from the looks and opinions of others.
• In dealing with others, they constantly change their personality in order to receive approval and admiration.
• They feel that they don't have a "real self" and their identity depends on the opinions of others.
• They only feel valuable when they are seen or encouraged.
• They want everyone to accept them and no one to be upset with them.
• Social status and wealth are considered very important as a means of attracting attention.
• Their self-confidence is strongly influenced by the positive or negative opinion of others.
• After each interaction, they have mental rumination and review their words and behavior many times, lest they have made a mistake.

These symptoms are all rooted in rejection anxiety and a pathological need for external approval.

The roots of the formation of the approval schema

The roots of the formation of the approval schema usually lie in the early years of a person's life; Where the child, in order to survive and receive love, inevitably aligns himself with the expectations of others. This phenomenon occurs under the influence of several factors:

1. Constant pressure to be perfect

Children who grow up in an environment where they are constantly under the microscope of judgment learn that they are valuable only when they do not make mistakes and perform perfectly. This pressure makes them dependent on the opinion of others.

2. emotional void at home

When the family is not a warm place to express feelings and the child is faced with unlove, rejection or neglect, he gradually learns that he has to restore the feeling of security and lovability by appealing to others.

3. Playing fake roles for survival

In many homes, children have to show a face that their parents like; For example, always quiet, always polite, always successful. Over time, these roles replace the child's real self.

4. verification-oriented culture

In societies that measure a person's worth by the approval of others, his appearance, social status or achievements, a person is unwittingly drawn to the belief that happiness only has meaning in the eyes of others.

To sum up, the approval schema is the result of years of implicitly teaching the child, "You are not enough unless others approve of you."

Effects of approval schema

Continuously following the wishes of others and constantly trying to please the people around you, although it may make you feel good on the outside, it has a heavy impact on the mind and psyche. In the following, we take a different look at the hidden and harmful consequences of the approval schema:

• The approval schema gradually weakens the foundations of self-esteem, because a person looks for his worth outside of his being.
• Living in the role of "always liked" requires a lot of energy; A tired and heartbroken mind is its permanent result.
• Over time, the suppression of inner desires creates hidden bitterness and suffering, which comes out in the form of annoyance, jealousy or even resentment.
• This process prevents the real self-knowledge and keeps a person away from the path of personal growth and discovering his talents.
• A person who constantly defines himself through the eyes of others, gradually loses the true meaning of value and his belief in his own capabilities decreases.

An approval schema is a dress that, although it looks beautiful at first, ultimately buries a person's identity.

Treatment of confirmation seeking schema

Treatment of approval seeking schema is a process that helps a person to gradually distance himself from dependence on others' views and opinions and move towards knowing and accepting his true self. This path is usually followed with the help of the schema therapy approach; A method that identifies the roots of the schema in childhood experiences and helps a person rebuild his unhealthy behavioral and thought patterns.

During therapy, the client learns that his worth does not need the approval of others. With the help of techniques such as mental dialogue, empty chair, image reconstruction and correction of fundamental beliefs, he gradually recovers his inner self-confidence. The therapist also plays an important role in creating a safe and accepting relationship so that the person can express himself without the fear of judgment and without playing a role.

Finally, the goal of treatment is for the person to move away from a show-oriented and approval-oriented life and experience a more authentic life; A life in which decisions and choices are formed based on one's own needs and inner values, not based on the expectations of others.

Conclusion

In the approval schema, a person unconsciously forms the idea in his mind that "my value depends on the look and approval of others". Such a belief, over time, makes a person ignore his real desires and feelings and live in a path that is designed only to please the people around him. The result of this process will be nothing but loneliness, anxiety and inner dissatisfaction.

If you feel that parts of your being have been sacrificed to get the approval of others, it is suggested that you become aware of the existence of this pattern in yourself by doing schema therapy tests.

For a more detailed examination and to receive expert help, you can contact Pirouzh Psychology Clinic. In this center, by taking advantage of new schema therapy approaches and the presence of experienced professionals, you will be helped to get out of the cycle of seeking approval and move towards a more authentic life.

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