Defect and shame schemas in relationships: Why they attract derogatory people

**Defect and shame schema: when you don't see yourself as enough** Do you sometimes feel in your heart that something is missing in you? Maybe you worry that if others find out about your hidden weaknesses, they won't accept you or even reject you? If these thoughts sound familiar to you, you're probably dealing with an invisible mental pattern called the "deficiency and shame schema." In this article, we intend to take a journey into one of the most deep-rooted negative beliefs that humans can have about themselves; A belief that may manifest itself in the form of feelings of worthlessness, constant embarrassment, or fear of judgment from others. In the following, you will get to know the different dimensions of the schema of defect and shame, the reasons for its formation, the effects it has on the human psyche and relationships, and ways to improve and get rid of it. Join us to understand the root of this limiting belief and take steps to get rid of it.

**What is schema?** Schemas are actually deep mental maps that people make since childhood to understand themselves, others and the world around them. These thought, emotional and behavioral patterns are fixed in our mind over time and act like a lens through which we interpret reality. The first sparks of the formation of schemas are struck in the early years of life and in the context of the child's relationship with his parents or main caregivers; Especially in response to unmet emotional needs. Jeffrey Young, an American psychotherapist and the founder of schema therapy, has identified 18 primary maladaptive schemas by deeply examining these patterns. According to him, if these schemas are not corrected, they can become the source of many emotional, behavioral and interpersonal problems in adulthood. **What is the schema of defect and shame?** No human being is perfect and we all have weaknesses or shortcomings in parts of our lives, but for some people, these shortcomings become the center of their identity; It's as if they measure their worth and wholeness only through the lens of their flaws and shortcomings. This is where the "defect and shame schema" comes into play. Defect and shame schemas cause a person to deeply believe that a person is ugly, imperfect, worthless, or even unlovable. In fact, the image he has of himself passes through the filter of humiliation, shame and self-deprecation. The bitter point is that many of these negative beliefs about oneself are not rooted in reality and are mostly the result of misinterpretations and negative past experiences, not the current facts of life. However, these thoughts are so powerful that they can affect all relationships, decisions, and self-esteem. **Hidden signs of the schema of defect and shame** The schema of failure and shame, like a distorted mirror, makes a person see himself as humiliating and unsatisfactory. Those who are caught in the trap of this mental pattern, often face a series of repeated behaviors and feelings, without knowing their roots, they may suffer confusion or mental exhaustion. In the following, we have discussed the most common symptoms of the schema of defect and shame: - **Chronic and deep shame:** These people are constantly worried that their faults will be revealed and as a result they will be judged or ridiculed. - **Severe reaction to criticism:** Even small feedback can be a big emotional blow for them and make them very angry. - **Panic comparison:** Their minds are always comparing themselves with others and they usually consider themselves as losers in these comparisons. - **Fear of rejection:** One of their basic fears is not being accepted and rejected in human relationships. **Social isolation:** In order to avoid getting hurt, they avoid communicating with others and sometimes isolate themselves. - **Identity concealment:** They prefer to show a fake face so that the vulnerable parts of their personality are safe. - **Extreme perfectionism:** To compensate for the feeling of inadequacy, they seek to be perfect in everything, even if this effort is exhausting. - **Not expressing emotions:** It is difficult for them to express their emotions; Because they are worried about being judged or unkind. - **Low self-confidence:** Their self-esteem is severely damaged under the pressure of constant shame and self-criticism. - **Tendency to depression and anxiety:** Looking down on yourself creates a depressed mood and internal tensions. - **Refuge to drug use:** Some people turn to drugs or addictive behaviors to escape from their mental pain. If these signs are ignored, they can limit a person's life and disrupt their relationships over time, but awareness is the first step to get rid of this recurring cycle. **The reason for creating the schema of defect and shame** You may have grown up in a family environment where one member disturbed your peace with harsh behavior, sharp tongue and cruel criticism. Maybe you never had a chance to express yourself, because every move or word was accompanied by blame or humiliation. Sometimes, instead of being supportive, your parents - or both - have discouraged you and made you feel like a failure. You may have felt that the love that was your right was denied to you and you were somehow rejected by those closest to you. Maybe many times you have been recognized as responsible for mistakes that you were not responsible for and you have always carried the burden of blame alone. You may have experienced physical, mental or even sexual abuse from a member of your family. Maybe you've heard your parents say, "You're not enough" or "You'll never make it," words that have destroyed your self-confidence over time. Maybe you have been compared to your brother or sister many times and you have always been given the feeling that you were never as good as others in the eyes of your parents. **Hidden effects of flaw and shame schema in intimate relationships** The schema of failure and shame can lead romantic relationships from the very beginning to a path full of misunderstanding, pain and repetition of traumatic patterns. People who live with this mental pattern are often unconsciously attracted to those who reactivate their wounds; Those who belittle, criticize, and stamp their approval on the inner belief of "I'm not enough." This type of unconscious tendency, which is called schema attraction, causes people to always be drawn to partners who are compatible with their negative mental image of themselves. Below are some signs of the influence of the schema of defect and shame on close relationships: - Avoiding dating or avoiding starting a relationship - Involvement in tense, short-term or multiple relationships at the same time - Attracting people who have a critical or humiliating behavior - Relationship with those who show emotional or even physical violence - Tendency to attract the opinion of people who have no real interest - Extreme dependence on certain people, even when they are far away - Comfort in relationships with those who have no desire to know you deeply - Choosing partners who are below your desired level - Interested in people who are not committed, such as married or busy people - Becoming a condescending or disrespectful person in the relationship - Hiding the real parts of your personality - Jealousy, possessiveness and control - Constantly comparing yourself to others with feelings of inadequacy - Constant need for confirmation and reassurance from the other party - Extreme clinging to the partner - Accepting criticism, humiliation or misbehavior from the partner - Excessive sensitivity to criticism, with defensive or aggressive reactions - Transferring a sense of inadequacy to children with excessive criticism - Experiencing "impostor" syndrome after success - Fear of failure or loss of position in relationships or jobs - Severe anxiety when giving a speech or being in public Of course, it is natural that not all of these characteristics exist in a person, but if you see even a few of these patterns in yourself, you may be involved in the schema of failure and shame. The good news is that the schema of failure and shame can be changed with awareness, psychotherapy, and mind restructuring. **Ways to get out of the trap of the schema of defects and shame** When the feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy is with you all the time and it affects you in different situations of life, you may be caught in a mental trap that has its roots in the distant past. People who engage in this unhealthy pattern tend to magnify their own shortcomings. Even in important moments of life, they consider themselves less than others and think that their faults are so great that they prevent them from being lovable. However, it must be remembered that imperfections are part of our human identity, not a sign of unworthiness. No one is flawless and perfection is nothing more than a myth. So the question is: Can this self-deprecating view be changed? The answer, fortunately, is yes. The schema of defect and shame can be treated, and by using special treatment approaches such as schema therapy, self-awareness exercises, rebuilding fundamental beliefs and strengthening self-esteem, one can step away from this destructive mental cycle. **Summary** The schema of failure and shame makes a person consider himself inadequate, unworthy or unlovable and always afraid of being rejected by others. The schema of emotional deprivation also refers to the feeling that a person does not have the necessary emotional attention, support, and affection, and this issue can lead to loneliness and a sense of worthlessness. These two schemas usually appear simultaneously and can have profound effects on a person's self-esteem, social relationships, and quality of life. Accurate diagnosis and treatment of these dysfunctional patterns requires specialized knowledge and clinical experience. Pirouzi Clinic is ready to provide professional services for the identification, treatment and reconstruction of these schemas by using psychotherapists specialized in the field of schema therapy. If you feel that some of these patterns are repeating in your life, Pirouz Clinic counselors can be a reliable companion on your path to treatment and personal growth.

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