Why do some people avoid intimacy? Familiarity with avoidant attachment style

Why do some people avoid intimacy? Getting to know the avoidant attachment style

One of the patterns of behavior that is rooted in the early life is the avoidant attachment style. The way people choose to establish and manage their close relationships is usually a reflection of their early experiences with their parents in childhood. These patterns are formed unconsciously in the mind and can be repeated in different generations. Avoidant attachment style is characterized by a kind of emotional distancing and pretending to be independent. People who are in this pattern often try to communicate, but at the same time avoid emotional dependence and reliance on others. In this article, we go deeper into the features and implications We will discuss this style of behavior.

What is avoidant attachment style?

Avoidant attachment style is one of the types of insecure attachment patterns in which a person tends to avoid emotional closeness with others. These people are usually uncomfortable in close relationships, deny their emotional needs, and try to rely excessively on independence. They often learn to suppress their needs and rely on themselves instead of relying on others due to early experiences of inadequate parental emotional responsiveness. (Berman, Karen. Developmental psychology 2 psychology from adolescence to adulthood. Translated by Yahya Seyed Mohammadi. Tehran: Rovan Publishing House. Page 165.)

Behavioral signs of avoidant attachment from childhood to adulthood

Children in whom the avoidant attachment style is formed, usually appear to be in need of affection and attention. They reject intimacy and reject physical contact or expressions of affection from others, but inside, in the face of psychological pressure, they experience deep anxiety; Anxiety that remains hidden. These children may stay with their parents but do not establish a warm or emotional connection with them. Although their appearance is calm, a storm of repressed emotions flows inside them. In adulthood, this attachment style has consequences. People with an avoidant style usually have difficulty with intimacy in relationships. When the other person tries to deepen the relationship, they may feel suffocated and withdraw. They prefer to deal with challenges alone, they don't want to express their feelings and they avoid facing conflicts directly. These people often show an independent face and do not need others. While having outward self-confidence, they have a negative and pessimistic view of others. Their focus is more on personal desires than mutual interactions. Refraining from complaining, denying discomfort and avoiding uncomfortable conversations are other characteristic features of this attachment model.

Why does an avoidant attachment pattern form in a person?

To understand why avoidant attachment is formed, one should first pay attention to the child's relationship with parents in the first years of life. Attachment styles are a reflection of our early experiences with those who were responsible for our care and support. When this relationship is disturbed, the ground is provided for the emergence of unhealthy patterns in future relationships. In the case of the avoidant style, one of the main reasons is the child's encounter with parents who ignore him or behave coldly and rejecting him. A child who has repeatedly tried to express his feelings or needs, but has been met with indifference or a negative reaction, gradually learns that expressing his needs has no results. As a result, he decides not to rely on others and to deal with problems on his own. Unmet emotional needs, repeated experiences of unlovedness or neglect, and feelings of helplessness at critical moments can all lead a child's mind to a powerful belief: "If I want to achieve anything, I just have to rely on myself." This belief later appears in emotional relationships and is seen in the form of emotional distancing, avoiding intimacy and trying to control emotions.

The effect of fear experience on the formation of avoidant attachment

For healthy emotional development, the child needs a safe and responsive relationship with his main caregivers. But when his feelings are ignored or repeatedly left unanswered, he is trapped in an atmosphere of insecurity and anxiety. Over time, the child's mind learns that expressing emotional needs is fruitless and attempts to receive comfort will only be met with inattention or blame. In such a situation, a kind of emotional distancing is formed in the child. Caregivers who are emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to the child's distress reinforce the pattern of avoidance in the child's mind. In this space, the child is forced to suppress his feelings and instead of turning to others for consolation, he learns to distance himself from his needs; A process that will be the basis for the formation of avoidant attachment in the future.

Harmful consequences in close relationships from the perspective of people with avoidant attachment style

People who enter into a relationship with an avoidant attachment style often desire closeness and emotional connection, but in practice, they show behaviors that prevent the formation of deep and stable relationships. This contradiction is not only challenging for the individual, but it also confuses and tires his emotional partner. Reluctance to true intimacy These people draw an invisible fence around themselves due to the fear of rejection. Verbal communication about feelings is difficult for them and they usually avoid emotional conversations. This issue confronts the other side with a wall of silence and ambiguity. Internal pressure and denial of emotions For avoidant people, expressing feelings is considered equal to being vulnerable. Instead of expressing their needs or frustrations directly, they hide their feelings in the form of grumpiness, criticism or heavy silence. This causes not only their partner to not be able to understand them properly, but also the healthy relationship is destroyed. Inability to maintain relationships As the relationship deepens, the avoidant person may unconsciously look for an excuse to withdraw. Sometimes they push the relationship towards the end by posing unrealistic problems or saying things like "I don't think I'm ready for a serious relationship". Ambiguous and confusing behaviors Behavioral fluctuation is one of the characteristic features of these people. At one moment their behavior may be friendly and warm and at another moment completely cold and distant. Such behaviors make the emotional partner feel doubtful, insecure and mentally tired. Focus on troubleshooting One of the common defense mechanisms in avoidant people is to focus excessively on the apparently insignificant faults of their emotional partner. Instead of accepting the relationship with all its shortcomings, these people are constantly criticizing the other person's daily behavior such as the way they speak, eating habits or lifestyle.

Treatment of avoidant attachment style

Avoidant attachment is one of the unstable patterns of communication that can face serious challenges in personal, emotional and social relationships. The treatment of this attachment style requires a gradual, deep process based on self-awareness. The first step in treatment is to identify dysfunctional patterns in interpersonal relationships; A person should be aware of how avoiding intimacy, suppressing feelings and extreme self-sufficiency hinders the formation of meaningful relationships. In this way, psychotherapy, especially treatments based on attachment, cognitive-behavioral and schema therapy can be very effective. In therapy sessions, people are helped to:

• Access their repressed emotions

• Express emotions in a healthy way

• Experience and practice safer communication patterns

• Reconstruct their mental image of close relationships

Another important factor in improving avoidant attachment is experiencing a safe therapeutic relationship with the therapist; A place where one can practice vulnerability and rebuild trust without fear of rejection or judgment. (Berman, Karen. 2017. Developmental psychology 2, psychology from adolescence to adulthood. Translated by Yahya Seyed Mohammadi. Tehran: Nash Ravan, pp. 171-173)

Last word

Avoidant attachment style can be a serious obstacle in the way of creating deep and healthy relationships, but with the help of specialized treatments and proper support, it is possible to change and grow. Using an experienced team in the field of psychology and attachment-based treatments, Pirouzi Clinic is ready to help you identify and fix attachment problems and teach you ways to create better and more stable relationships. If you are looking to improve the quality of your emotional relationships and mental life, visiting Pirozhi Clinic can be an effective step in this direction.

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